Accidental Lingering

Accidents happen. When it rains, snows, or the wind blows; someone always loses control. One to three vehicles might actually be physically part of the incident, but hundreds are involved vicariously. These vicarious hundreds are struck by horrible cases of "Rubber Neck" Syndrome.

"Rubber Neck" Syndrome is a horrid affliction brought on by the proximity of a vehicular accident. As long as the vehicular accident is within sight, victims of "Rubber Neck" seem incapable of escaping the clutches of the disease. "Rubber Neck" Syndrome, which will now be referred to as RBNS, is by far the most common communicable disease. It affects people more often than the common cold and flu combined. The danger of this disease is that one can catch RBNS, recover, and then get it again not ten minutes later. It is possible to suffer from RBNS innumerable times in one day as exposure depends on the occurrence of vehicular accidents in the immediate vicinity.

RBNS is exhibited by the following symptoms: immediate turning of the head to one side followed by temporary paralysis of the neck muscles, loss of coordination in the right foot with the inability to flex or point the foot, muscular spasms in the left foot and leg which result in sporadic stomping motions, loss of muscle tension in the face causing the jaw to drop, and impaired cognition or the inability to concentrate and multitask. RBNS attacks immediately after an accident has been sighted, and can catch the victim completely off guard. As the disease lasts only as long as the accident is visible in direct or peripheral vision, victims often start recovering before they recognize the attack has even occurred.

Scientists and traffic reporters have been unable to find a cure, or even a means to protect the commuting public from the onset of RBNS. No progress is recorded from field studies examining the characteristics of the disease. If researchers could uncover a means to avoid the contraction of RBNS by commuters exposed to vehicular accidents, the morning and evening commute might be traffic free in the future.

Perhaps if the Department of Transportation considered RBNS a dangerous epidemic and provided funding for further research, then a cure or preventive measures might be discovered. However, who can count on the DOT for anything?

So, my fellow commuters, be careful during inclement weather. If you feel that you have suffered from RBNS, or can provide first hand observations on others suffering from the disease, then please contact the Infections During Incident Originating Traffic in Imbecilic Commuters (IDIOTIC) Association. Your help in preventing or finding a cure for RBNS would be greatly appreciated!

Yes, we can!